


abandoned.

by seekrest



Series: febuwhump 2020. [24]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant, F/M, Grief/Mourning, POV Pepper Potts, Pepper Potts Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Has A Heart, basically - the MCU through Pepper’s eyes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:42:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22881925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seekrest/pseuds/seekrest
Summary: Pepper was no stranger to loss.Her father when she was twelve.Her mother in college.Rising like a phoenix out of the broken embers that was her family.People don’t know how to tolerate grief, unused to the silence and stillness of what happens in the immediate moments when someone’s been told the worst news that they could ever hear.Pepper just let the moments settle over here.Waited.Then let it go.
Relationships: Pepper Potts/Tony Stark
Series: febuwhump 2020. [24]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1619581
Comments: 27
Kudos: 74





	abandoned.

* * *

_  
  
“You are the most capable, qualified, trustworthy person I've ever met.” _

* * *

Pepper was no stranger to loss.

Her father when she was twelve.

Her mother in college.

A life lived in the shadow of grief might have broken someone lesser than she, but Pepper thinks - she thrived. Rising like a phoenix out of the broken embers that was her family.

She could vividly remember the day she learned about her mother, drinking herself into a haze that began with stumbling out of her house and ended with their beat-up Chevy in the bottom of the lake on the outskirts of town.

Her sorority sisters had looked on in pity, trying and failed to find the words to describe something completely unimaginable to them. One tried to make the comparison of her dog dying and how sad it made her feel, much to the whispered rebukes and dirty looks of the other sisters.

Pepper didn’t mind, not then and not at the memory now - glancing out the window before bringing files to her boss.

People don’t know how to tolerate grief. They’re uncomfortable with it. Shove it around. Unused to the silence and stillness of what happens in the immediate moments when someone’s been told the worst news that they could ever hear. 

Her mother hadn’t been perfect, not by a long-shot - but she was still her mother.

And on the tenth anniversary of her death, looking out the window as she sighed, Pepper let the moment settle on her.

Waited.

Then let it go.

  
  


* * *

_“Tears for your long lost boss?”_

_“Tears of joy. I hate job hunting.”_

* * *

Pepper’s mouth dropped open, Tony staring into the cameras as the crowd of reporters went wild - the tension headache that she’d foolishly thought wouldn’t show up today coming back in full force when Phil Coulson waltzes right back into the room.

“What the hell?” He asks, Pepper’s mouth still open as she looked back at Tony in shock - reeling that he would make such an impulsive, reckless decision, knowing he couldn’t have possibly thought this through.

But Pepper took a hold of herself, unfurling her arms as she straightened her shoulders, taking a deep breath before turning to Phil.

“You know, Phil. Tony’s never been one to follow the rules anyway. 

Phil lets out a sound that’s a mixture of a laugh and a huff, shaking his own head. “The press is gonna go crazy with this.”

Pepper glances back over to the video feed of the other room, watching as Tony gleefully basks in the questions they throw at them - knowing already that for as much as Tony likes to be in control that she - like always - would be the one to have to help him try and pick up the pieces. 

It was ridiculous of him to think she’d ever want to be in a relationship with him, his own faulty memory of a night that clearly meant more to him than it did to her.

A lie, Pepper could still feel the disappointment that creeped over when he’d disappeared - but she wasn’t going to let that stop her.

She was damn good job at her job. Pepper wouldn’t allow herself to become one of the many women who spent a half-special night with Tony Stark only to be discarded later.

Pepper took a deep breath, preparing herself for the onslaught that was about to descend upon Stark Industries.

Waited.

Then let it go.

* * *

_“I quit. I'm resigning. My body literally can't handle the stress. I don't know when you're going to kill yourself, or mess up the whole company...”_

_”I think I did okay!_

  
  


* * *

Rhodey flew off into the sky, the two of them watching as she laughs.

“If you think for one second he’s ever giving you back that suit—“

“He will, trust me, Pep. Rhodey’s a softie when it comes to me.” Tony’s quick to say, Pepper smiling as she puts her arms back around his neck - bringing him closer.

“Oh is he now?”

Tony’s eyes search her face, looking at her in a way Pepper can tell is different than she’s ever seen before - the years of encounters she’s walked in on flooding back to her memory and yet never once thinking she’s ever seen the look she sees in his eyes now.

“You wanna get out of here?” He asks, his voice low and soft in a way Pepper’s not sure she’s heard from him before.

“I would actually,” she says, a smirk on her face as she continues. “These heels are killing me.”

Tony blinks and then laughs, surprised when Pepper kisses him - pulling her closer as she breathes in.

The kiss deepens, Tony running a hand through her hair as she pulls him as close as he can - the Iron Man suit getting in their way that it makes her laugh.

“Okay really, we should go.”

Tony leans back, a mischievous glint in his eye as he grabs his helmet. “Hold on, tight.”

Pepper’s eyes widen. “No, no, no. _Tony!_ ” The last word is a yell, holding on tight to him as they fly into the air, clinging as fiercely as she can.

This was a risk - flying, kissing him, even entertaining the idea of a relationship with Tony Stark. 

But Tony almost died and so had she - Pepper being all too familiar with how short life could really be.

The yell dies out in her throat, holding Tony tight as he gently cradled her too, staring up at the Iron Man mask.

Sometimes risks were worth taking. And Tony, for as long as she’s known him - seemed like the one person who could show her the importance of taking that risk. 

Pepper waited, the world feeling like it’s moving in slow motion.

And in her heart - in the smallest of ways - she did it.

She let go.

* * *

_“Is Pepper here? I didn't see her.”_

_“We're kinda… well, not kinda…”_

_“Pregnant?”_

_“No. Definitely not. We're taking a break. It's nobody's fault.”_

  
  


* * *

Pepper should’ve known Tony would never be able to give it up.

She wondered if she was being unreasonable, too demanding - even if the very idea that she was somehow asking too much of the man that had already asked _everything_ of her burned something bright within her - feeling the same kind of rage she’d felt when she had Extremis still flowing through her.

She sighed, glancing out over the skyline - her phone going off incessantly but ignoring it, hating how much she wanted it to be Tony even now.

She’d seen all the bullshit that the Avengers were getting up to but hadn’t reached out, remembering all those years ago when she’d said that she wouldn’t sit around and watch him kill himself.

Pepper wouldn’t - she had lost too much already, convinced in her heart that if Tony didn’t know by now how much she loved him that he never would.

And she did, love him - still, even if the very thought of seeing him right now frustrated her to the core.

Pepper loved _him_ \- despite everything, despite the obsession, more terrified about the state of his mental health than solving whatever crisis that the Avengers got themselves into.

But Pepper was also tired - exhausted of having to watch the man she loved throw himself at the mercy of the universe over and over again, flinging himself into danger without any consideration for the people he was leaving behind.

Maybe it was his own way of paying penance after a lifetime of selfishness. Maybe it was ego or pride, some foolish way to try and gain the adoration of a world that didn’t deserve it.

Maybe it was both, Pepper quickly shaking it away - bringing herself back to her office and to the company as she walked in from the balcony.

Pepper loved him. She did, but she couldn’t do this over and over again - not when he’d promised her time and time again that the next time would be different.

So Pepper did what she always had - taking a deep breath, letting the anger and the frustration and hurt flow all through her.

Waited.

And tried to let it go.

* * *

  
  


_“We should have no more surprises.”_

_“Yes.”_

_“I should promise you… I will.”_

* * *

“Mama.”

“Hmm?” Pepper looked down to her daughter, seeing the questioning look in her eyes.

“Why is daddy sad?”

Pepper’s eyes drifted to Tony in his makeshift office, looking to nowhere - absentmindedly, trilling his fingers. Her eyebrows furrowed, knowing that Tony didn’t let himself sit for long, not even now - with half the world gone - did he ever really rest.

His attention was always diverted, mostly to Morgan. Finding new things and puzzles for them to do, playing make-believe in the tent outside, even feeding Gerald - a five minute chore that always lasted for much longer than it needed to, hearing their laughter from inside.

Pepper had never expected that her life would turn out this way - that Tony would ever settle down, would ever willingly put away the suit, even if Pepper had long ago made her peace with the knowledge that Tony had been made of iron long before he’d ever fought his way out of Afghanistan.

It was a quiet life now, a quiet universe - finding the kind of peace and solitude that billions of others didn’t, a fact that was never far from Pepper’s mind - a question she hated herself for asking.

Wondering that if they hadn’t lost, if Tony would truly be the man he was today. 

His busyness now was a coping mechanism, one that Pepper was intimately aware of. But she let it go, knowing that of all the ways Tony could try and manage his grief - this was one of the better options.

“Why do you think daddy’s sad, baby?”

Morgan’s little face scrunched up, Pepper wanting to smile for how similar it was to her own and to Tony’s. For all his talk before the world had ended, her pregnancy had been a surprise, still remembering how raw with grief the two of them had felt - for the world but also for the one, knowing there was one loss that weighed on Tony the most. 

Though she knew both of them had been glad for the unexpected joy Morgan had brought into their lives, especially after the darkness that they - and the rest of the universe - had found themselves in, Pepper still wondered how a little girl born into a world left behind could radiate with the kind of earnestness that neither Pepper nor Tony had ever known when they were young.

Morgan had inherited their features, would hopefully inherit all their strengths. And yet despite the circumstances of the world she lived in, held none of the burden that either her or Tony shared.

What she did have - Pepper watching as she began to speak - was an endless well of empathy and a perceptiveness that almost scared her.

“He’s quiet.” Morgan replies, looking back to Tony before meeting Pepper’s eyes once more. “Is it cause of Peter?”

Pepper pauses, taking a deep breath as she realized what day it was. She motioned for Morgan to join her on the couch, helping her up as Pepper held her in her arms.

Peter dying had changed Tony, in a way that Pepper hadn’t seen before. She hadn’t been around when his parents died but she’d seen him through countless other problems and issues - of the way that the people he’d lost and the friendships that had been severed weighed heavily on him, molded him, motivated him to push himself even harder to prevent anything like it from ever happening again. 

Tony was a man who never allowed himself to rest - always trying to fix the problems of the world around him. 

Yet losing Peter seemed to alter Tony in a way that Pepper wasn’t sure he’d ever fully come back from. 

Pepper debated with herself on how to approach Morgan’s statement only for Tony to seemingly snap out of it, blinking himself back into focus and smiling at the two of them. 

“How are my favorite girls doing?” Tony asks, Morgan just glancing back up to Pepper - as if their five-year old could already recognize the misdirection for what it was and was intent on finding out the truth anyway.

Considering the nineteen hour labor she’d gone through, Pepper didn’t have any doubts that she was their daughter. But the reality of how much Morgan had inherited from the two of them was enough to make Pepper respond, “Just talking about you.” 

Tony’s look betrays him, his eyes dancing between the two of them as he gets up from his chair - walking over to greet them with a tired smile on his face.

“Why are you sad, daddy?” Morgan asks him directly this time, Pepper keeping her eyes steady on him as he almost stops in place. He recovers quickly, sitting beside them on the couch as he purses his lips. 

They’d talked about this already - Morgan’s empathy and all too precocious sense of perception of the world around her, Tony’s grief and the way it ebbed and flowed, how to approach the topic with their daughter when she was old enough. 

But Morgan had seemingly decided that for herself, Tony sighing as he says, “You remember the story I told you last night?” 

Morgan nods, the smile on her face making Tony’s face light up as she says, “About Spider-Man!” 

“Yeah,” Tony softly says, Pepper watching as he got the familiar faraway look in his eyes that he always did when thinking about Peter, “About Spider-Man.”

He turns to face Morgan, a glint of something sad in his eyes before saying, “How about we go and make some Spider-Man cookies huh? Mama said we can’t eat anymore from the cookie jar anyway.”

“I think that defeats the purpose of—“ Pepper begins, only to be cut off by Morgan yelling, “Cookies!”

Tony laughs, successfully diverting her attention even as Pepper watches the two of them - knowing in her heart that she’d have to talk to him about this later even if he seemed committed to avoiding it as much as she could.

Pepper knew better than anyone how much loss could hurt, how it could eat you up from the inside - leave you empty and vacant.

But she didn’t push it then, doing as she always did when the moments would come.

She’d take it in. Let it settle.

Waited.

And then let it go.

  
  


* * *

_“Tony, trying to get you to stop has been one of the few failures of my entire life.”_

_“Something tells me I should put it in a locked box and drop it at the bottom of a lake, and go to bed.”_

_“But would you be able to rest?”_

  
  


* * *

Pepper’s hands had been steady as she’d held the arc reactor, even more so when she knelt down beside Morgan and watched it fade over the lake.

But her hands shook now - the house quiet and the well-wishers gone, Morgan finally having drifted off to sleep.

James and Happy and both offered to stay the night, May and Peter sleeping in another part of the cabin but Pepper was wide awake - standing out over the lake, the ache and the agony of what she’d lost crashing over her endlessly.

Pepper had told him to rest, she had to - comfort for a dying man, one last wish to the man she’d loved most in the world. 

But it burned within her now, the grief and the anger that Tony was gone - wondering why the universe had taken yet another person in her life.

Pepper knows that she has to be strong for Morgan, for James and Happy, for a teenaged boy and his aunt in another room - five years feeling like seconds for them and the rest of the world still reeling in good ways and bad about half a population brought back in an instant.

But for a moment - one brief, earth shattering moment, Pepper allowed herself to feel it - the well of agony in her chest spilling out of her as she cried.

Her shoulders shook, shaking so much that she sunk down to her knees - an agonized yell coming out of her that a more rational part of her would know could wake everyone up but feeling too emotionally spent to care.

It was relentless, deep and aching in a way that hurt like it had never before - thinking of all the times that she had thought she’d lost Tony only for now for it to actually be the truth - a part of her wondering if it was all just a terrible dream.

Pepper’s cries echoed over the lake, so loud in her ears and so violently coming out of her that she started to choke on them - sinking her hands into the wet ground beneath her fingers.

She’s not sure how long it takes for the sobs to subside, only recognizing that any time has passed when she feels a gentle hand to her shoulder - quickly turning around to see James face, the hurt that she feels deep in her soul written all over his expression.

If there was anyone who knew how she was feeling it was him, watching as he sank down beside her and held her in his arms - a fresh wave of tears spilling out of her as he does.

Pepper had lost her father then her mother, thought she had lost Tony over and over again, watched him lose friends and a child he loved as a son.

But now the loss was real - final - never coming back, Pepper’s usual act of recovery falling short.

She took a deep breath, let the hurt settle - the agony splitting straight through her.

Pepper waited.

And waited.

And waited - only for a deep, guttural yell to pour out of her, her shoulders shaking as Rhodey rocked with her back and forth.

Pepper was no stranger to loss. 

And yet knew, in the depths of her heart, she would never be able to let this go. 


End file.
